Thursday, March 21, 2024
Everything is changing constantly. If you take anything away from this blog post, that’s the basic message. On New Year’s Day 2024, I did not know a storm was coming—externally and within myself and my emotional life. The inner turmoil was swirling, and I heard the rumblings through dreams, gut feelings, and my intuition.
Last night, as I read the pages of my journal, leading to a moment in which I would have to face myself, it’s hard to see how many times I called out for myself before I disconnected. I lost all consciousness, entered fear, and my lights went out.
See, this story begins when a girl meets a boy, but the girl ends up having to face herself instead. The boy approached the girl. The girl was reluctant at first, but as she talked to him, she felt something special about him she had not felt for so long. He listened, had his own opinions, as she did, and had his lights a bit dim like hers.
I knew something was wrong. I was in a place in my life where I wasn’t ready, and I’ve been here before, but like the contradiction that I am, I was at that focal point where all I wanted was someone, and I was still hanging on to what once was “waiting for my love”—ready to give my all. The one who would save me from having to face my unhappiness. I had battled with the noise in my head telling me that I was better off on my own, that I was not good enough, but that I was still ready to put everything on the line for my one love that would save me. That was my expectation.
A few weeks passed and the lights flickered, and then they went out, and I disconnected from myself suddenly, just like a blackout. This is what I call self-abandonment—what happens when you love yourself just enough to give yourself immediate gratifications but not enough to respond to those gratifications and give yourself what you want and need?
Hope and fear rose from the feeling that I was incomplete, a feeling of complete poverty. I couldn’t relax within myself. I held on to hope, and hope stole me from the present moment—that this time I would be saved and it would work out. Have you ever felt that there must be someone who knows what is happening but that something is missing, and therefore something is missing in our world?
This boy was “supposed” to be my missing puzzle piece, the central piece. I hoped that this time this was “the one” who would make my puzzle complete and who would accept me as I was, but the truth was, I hadn’t done that for myself for a long time. I felt unfulfilled, empty, and disappointed with myself.
In case you are wondering about the boy, I broke his trust. I thought it was easier to destroy the relationship because I couldn’t take the rejection. I wanted a relationship, but I expected to be betrayed and unconsciously sabotaged it by betraying myself and betraying him first before he ever could. I was not attuned to myself. Despite everything, I hold a special place for him in my heart. I’m grateful for his presence in my life, as he catalyzed breaking the cycle of self-abandonment and seeking external validation.
As a sensitive person, it turns out I learn by going to the depths of things to understand, and as a result, my artwork delves deeper into self-exploration, leading to a profound understanding of myself and unveiling new passions and a closer connection with myself. Through this storm, I have discovered the power of committing to my personal growth and inner connection.
I consider our connection to be divine and transformative, as it has brought me closer to my true self. I still wish I could take any pain I caused him away, but I know it can’t last forever, and I send him so much love and healing.
The other catalyst of this storm was to shut down the lights and then turn on the light of divine consciousness that pours and flows with the power of love and healing. A deep level of important healing is taking place. Here’s to singing a more harmonious tune of self-love, self-forgiveness, and acceptance through self-inventory.
I was looking to be saved by the boy’s love. I was so vulnerable and afraid of abandonment that I have been revisiting and healing all the times that I have abandoned myself and felt abandoned as an adult and a child. In those moments of fear, what I most want is someone to stay at any cost because there is a side of myself I do not want to face.
Lesson Learned:
For those looking for something to hold on to, life is even more uncomfortable. Theism is an addiction: we are all addicted to hope, in the hope that doubt and mystery will disappear.
The addiction to seeking certainty externally prevents individuals from fully engaging with the uncertainties and complexities of life. This society lacks compassion and empathy, as individuals struggle alone without deeper connections to themselves and others. This pressure to have it all together leaves people fragile in extending empathy towards themselves or others facing challenges as they strive for a steady ground beneath their feet in an unsteady world.
The Buddhist monastic rules that advise giving up liquor, sex, etc. do not point out that said things are bad or immoral, but we use them as babysitters. We use them to escape; we use them to feel comfortable and distract ourselves. We have a tenacious hope that we can be saved from being who we are by someone or something. Buddhist teachings advocate for resignation and surrender, embracing inner exploration rather than seeking external reassurance. By facing what we fear and finding comfort within ourselves, we can break free from the cycle of seeking salvation externally. Resignation challenges us to investigate our internal struggles with curiosity rather than running from them.
Facing oneself authentically is crucial, especially in moments of vulnerability. The journey of self-discovery and self-forgiveness requires courage and a willingness to confront discomfort. By embracing hope in action, perseverance, and self-trust, one can navigate challenges with resilience and compassion.
In times of turmoil, it is essential to leave a light on for oneself. This symbolic act represents self-acceptance, inner strength, and a commitment to guide oneself through darkness with courage and compassion. By illuminating one’s path with self-awareness and self-compassion, individuals can navigate through uncertainties and challenges with grace.
Just as the lighthouse casts its light upon the tumultuous sea, I too illuminate my path with the unwavering light of self-acceptance and trust. With each flicker of the lighthouse’s beam, I embark on the next chapter of my journey with courage in my heart and the guiding light of self-discovery leading the way through the vast unknown. 💡
Practices to avoid self-abandonment:
Becoming aware of how we harm others is painful and takes time. This path is possible thanks to our commitment to gentleness and honesty, to staying awake, and to being attentive to what is happening inside of us and our bodies. Attention allows us to see our desire, our aggressiveness, our jealousy, and our ignorance. But we don’t have to do anything with them; we just take notice of them. Self-awareness is what allows us to see them.
Practices to avoid self-abandonment involve becoming aware of harmful behaviors, restraining impulses, and befriending oneself at the deepest level. By embracing self-awareness and compassion, we can navigate through discomfort and grow stronger.
One of the ways to come into contact with the absence of the ground under our feet is to notice how we try to avoid it. Restraining yourself—not acting on a habit when you notice an impulse—is about giving up the entertainment mindset. By stopping ourselves, we see that there is something between the arising of craving—or aggression, or loneliness, or whatever—and any resulting action. There is something in us that we do not want to experience because it makes us uncomfortable, and, in fact, we do not experience it because we act too quickly to dissipate it and not deal with it.
Holding back is the way to befriend yourself at the deepest level possible. Behind all that, there is something soft, very tender, that we experience as fear or nervousness, so be compassionate and patient with yourself as you master the practice of self-acceptance and self-love.
More resources from Antiloneliness.com to learn about Self-Abandonment
Written and Edited by Yessenia J. Rivera
Sustain & Bee | Sostiene & Sée 